Saturday, March 12, 2005

Well Today is the Day

Here it is...

I am moving back to NY today

I am almost completely packed and just waiting for a few more things to get out of the Wash. I can't believe that it is here. I am a little Nervous.

I always put up a really brave front, and say that I am not afraid of Change and that there is nothing scary about going off to another part of the Country to live. but every time I go it gets harder to leave. The first year I don't know if I just didn't realize what it actually meant to leave. But I had absolutely no problem leaving behind Utah and getting out to "see the world". The second time I was just fine except when I was in the Van with my mother waiting for the Train to get there I got a pain in my chest like oh crap I am leaving her for a long while. This time it started way earlier. I can take my mind off it and keep busy and then it isn't so bad. but I still am sad and scared to leave here. Funny how I hate Utah and never can wait to get out of here, and now I am scared of the change.

But really I am just really sad to be leaving my family. I will miss them a great deal. I always say that I would be living the perfect life if I had my family and Omega in the Same place.

I am alot closer to them than I have been in a long while. I don't know if it's just because I feel different now that there isn't this big wall surrounding me called the "closet" or if they have been trying harder to get to know me. or if it is both. But I have noticed a definate difference. Oh my parents still wish that I am "normal" I am sure, and my father never wastes a chance to put some literature under my nose or ask me if I am ever going back to church, or things like that. But I just chalk that up to it's how he shows that he loves me. So all in all things are really great here. I still hate Utah though. so this is kindof bitter sweet.

this time of my winter is spent with people asking about Omega, I don't know what it is about Omega that people can't grasp what we do there. but Ihave to explain it at least twelve times before anyone understands at all. and even then they really don't understand what goes on there.

Then there is always the inevitable Grandparents attack. this came on Wednesday of this week. I am always half expecting an attack from them, whenever they are around. This visit wasn't much different. except for the directness of it all. My grandpa came in first and while my grandmother stayed in the car. and laid into me almost immediately. How I needed to do something fo myself for a "change" and get the Melchezidek priesthood. I loved the wording that he used to make it seem that I was not doing the things I was doing for myself and am being somehow run by the whims of Society. I bit my tongue. It sounded more like he was saying, stop doing something for yourself and start leading your life the way that me and my church have laid in front of you. then My grandmother came in and started in on how I should be married and getting ready to start a family. They then told my younger brother brandon how he shouldn't follow in my path and should instead follow in James Path. I have joked about being the Black Sheep in the family for a couple of years, but now it is official. Good to know.

NE way...

That didn't make me want to stay in Utah very much.

NE way...

I should go. I need to do... something.... I am sure... I must have something to do.

love ya Utah

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

A thought on Angst

I decided that I like teen angst.

I hated it when I was a teenager. maybe I was too immature, or maybe to mature. but I never went through the Angst phase of teenagerdom. sur my parents think that I did. because they had to harp on me to get me to do the things that they thought were "good" for me. and so they thought I was hell because I didn't want to go to scouts becasue I thought it was mostly a waste of time. I instead wanted to spend my time at Marching band where I learned more discipline and life skills than I ever could have in scouts. or they wanted me to get "good" grades. when I knew all through school that Grades mean nothing except that you did what the teacher said you should do. Instead I decided to learn what I wanted to learn and not care about my grades. And now to this day I haven't been in a conversation about something that matters where I haven't been able to at least make inteligent conversation.

But I never went through the phase of "I don't give a Damn, you don't understand me, you never let me... your too old to understand." I don't know maybe my parents would be able to let you know better. I am sure that my grandparents or anyone of my aunts and uncles would let you know exactly what angst I went through and am going through today.

NE way... I digress. My point is that I think that it can be an important part of development. I don't know why yet. but it seems that we all need to rebell against something for a while. I know that people take it too far and become the stupid "oh woe is me, my life sucks".

NE way...

I don't think that I am making any sense now so I need to leave and goto bed

tired and delusional

Monday, March 07, 2005


I just found out that some people are actually reading this...


my heart went up in my chest and my first reaction was to delete some things and censor my entries.

But then the rational side of me came through... thank god... and I realized that the whole point of this blog was to be an in the moment account of what I am feeling and who I am. So that is what I am going to do. I know that some people might choose to be offended by some of the things that they read in here, but I can't help that. people will choose to be offended no matter what happens.

So I will keep on keeping on.

NE way...

I am having fun with my new comp.

it's nice to be able to put all of my own settings on a computer and not worry what the owner of that computer will think.

I have to admit that I was a little taken aback. I mean my family aren't gift giving types... we do the christmas thing. but that is about it. Not that we are not loving or that it sucks... it's jsut not a common thing. so I was very surprised. and I don't think that I have expressed the right amount of appreciation. I mean I say thank you often and I feel grateful, but I just am so shocked.

My father is a great person. he is that archetype of the big grizley bear that scares everyone away, then when you get close you see that he is really a teddy bear and will give you the shirt off his back. If I am gushing forgive me... but this is a really cool present. A was thinking about buying one of these but it always seemed just out of reach. and this is perfect.

NE way...

I need to go read Brandons Live Journal... He told me he just updated it.


Sunday, March 06, 2005

Yeah My new Computer

This is awesome.

I have a new laptop.

ok so not a NEW one but it is new to me...

mr dlb style